“Be present” they said
“Really be in the moment”
“Soak up this season”
To be honest—there have been many moments in my life when I would have loved to throw those words across a football field. As if they were salt on a slow healing wound or something. Now that may sound harsh, but it’s the truth. I would commit to the Lord that I would dig my heels in and stay steadfast through the struggle, yet with my mouth I was complaining to Him about why I had to be committed to the process. When I moved back to my home state about a year ago, I committed to the Lord that I would enjoy this season of being home. Being close to family. Being near my closest friends (as it always feels as if they live light years away). Living in a culture that made sense to me. Living in a familiar area.
I have to admit that it has been the most healing season. For so long I felt as if life was just a constant struggle. I didn’t know who I was anymore. My joy was gone. I was tired of constantly fighting. Fighting with life. Fighting the urge to be angry. Fighting for my right to be heard. Fighting for truth. I was just simply tired.
But there’s just something about being. I’ve learned more from this season by just “being present” than I have from anything else and it has truly changed my life. I finally understand what it means to rest. Although in my core I struggle with the thought that I’ve been selfish in this quiet season, I also know this isn’t the truth anymore. There’s a reason that the Lord valued rest and the Sabbath. There’s a reason that Jesus would go away to spend time with His Father. To have His gaze aligned on Him and on His will.
For my 2017 New Years resolution, I committed to being present. No, I don’t know what the future holds. I don’t know when I’ll be back in full-time vocational ministry. I don’t know when all of the dreams that God placed in my heart will come to pass. I don’t know when I’ll be married or have kids or if I will ever be able to say this. I don’t know when God will bring healing to people in my life that desperately need it. I don’t know when God will answer the questions that I whisper to Him in the darkest of night.. I don’t know…but I do know I can trust Him. If there’s one thing that God has shown me more than anything else in my short lived life, it’s that He is trustworthy. That He keeps His word. That He answers those cries. That He fulfills His promises. That, at the end of the day, He has my best interest in mind. And that right there brings so much relief to my easily wavering and fickle heart.
So I’m choosing to be present this year. Still. I’m choosing to enjoy the unknown. I’m choosing to say “yes” when my pride screams “why”. I’m choosing to trust that He is who He says He is. That He does love me. That He does love you. That He hasn’t forgotten. That His grace is sufficient. That He is more than enough.