I’ve been staring at the computer screen for a while now. I keep trying to find the perfect topic to write about, but I just can’t find the words. I have nothing.
During this time of nothing, I am reminded of a verse in the Bible—a verse that has become foundational for me. Psalm 46:10 says, “Be still and know I am God…” It’s quite ironic that I love this verse so much. I’m the furthest thing from “still.” My mind is always going a hundred miles an hour. I can literally be thinking about one thing and jump 100 places to the next thing. My husband often jokes that he can’t keep up with me. I joke back by telling him I cannot keep up with myself (which is mostly true). The problem with thinking so much is sometimes it can get you into trouble. I don’t just think about all the things I need to get done in a day, week or a month or two (yes, even months ahead). I think about the what-ifs, how comes, why nots, and oh-no’s. In fact, I can draw a scenario up in my head faster than I can speak it. I can literally stress about stressing. On the days, I just cannot settle my thoughts, fears and overwhelming tasks I go back to Psalm 46:10 and I remind myself to “be still and know He is God.” This is hard for me. Not in a way of knowing He is God in my head, because I know He is. But, in a way of connecting my head with my heart. Trusting that no matter what is going on in my life or what the future looks like from my perspective that He is God and because He is God I’m going to be okay.
Recently, my life has been filled with a lot of uncertainties that have thrown me into a whirlwind of emotion, stress and fear. One of these uncertainties has been my husband’s back surgery. In a matter of a week’s time we found out what we thought was an old injury that usually healed with several trips a year to the chiropractor was now going to be surgery that would affect my husband’s abilities permantely. My husband, who is 27 went from being the person in our family to lift all the heavy stuff, carry our boys around, take the trash out, and many more things to not being able to drive (for a few weeks at least), lift anything over 5lbs and not being able to even tie his own shoes. I went from depending on my husband (way more than I realized I did) to having him depend on me. During the chaos and uncertainty right now, I have found myself at a crossroads. One part of me wants to scream, kick, throw a fit and run away screaming “what in the world are you doing, Lord?! Why now?!” But the other part of me feels this quieting of my soul, this inner strength from the Lord, this still small voice telling me, “be still, my Child, and trust me.”
And so, I fight the emotions every day until finally I’m tired of fighting and I give in to the trust part. To some this may sound crazy but for me, it works. I fight my fears, insecurities, doubts, and emotions until I’m so tired that I have no choice but to trust God. I get to the end of myself where I find only God. You see, this season of my life is crazy, but it has also been a time of great surrender. I’m not saying it’s pretty, because there are days that it most definitely is not. There are so many different things going on in our lives right now that I no longer can “outthink, out-resource, or out-do” my circumstances on my own. I am forced to either fall by my own strength or give up and “rest” in His.
So, as I sat and stared at an empty computer screen I felt as though I was taking a glimpse into my life. Chaos surrounding me, so much uncertainty, multiple perceived setbacks—all that becomes like a blank screen when I place it in front of God. Although I feel all these emotions, I find myself quieted not out of defeat but out of this assurance, this hope, this confidence that God in His all-knowing, all powerful self has this, us, in His hands and He knows exactly what He is doing. It’s in these times when I finally understand what it means to be still. When my mind fails me, when my physical body fails me, my heart is still able to cling to Jesus and find that place of rest. God knows me. He knows my over thinking mind and it’s here He has drawn me to a deeper place with Him and has shown me how much He can do in me with even the tiniest of faith. Oh, to have more faith. But for now, I will cling, crawl, whatever it takes to hold on to Him during the chaos. It’s in my desperation I’m finding Him in ways I never knew before. In my desperation, He reveals His strength in me. I am a conqueror in Christ. I can do all things through Him. I am victorious in Him. So, despite the circumstances in our lives right now, I will be still and know that He is God.
Because He really is.